Sometimes Suicide Just Makes Sense

I know that suicide is a sensitive subject. In my own small circle of family and friends I’ve lost two to suicide.  People who have been touched by suicide don’t like to talk about it because it opens wounds; people who haven’t been touched by it don’t like to talk about in hopes that by not looking it in the eye it won’t attack you and yours.

But we need to talk about it, and we need to get past that one catch phrase we all have been taught:  “Suicide is the coward’s way out.” Nonsense.

I read a great quote about suicide a few years ago: Suicide is a logical choice when the pain of living significantly outweighs your ability to cope with pain. In other words, there are times when suicide is a logical, respectable, and brave choice. Sometimes suicide just makes sense. Don’t believe me?

An estimated 200 people jumped to their deaths from the north tower on 9/11/01. Too high in the building to be rescued, and facing a certain death from either flame or smoke, they chose to jump. This article  put it very well: “… those jumping appeared to make a conscious choice to die by falling rather than from smoke, heat or fire. Ultimately, they were choosing not whether to die but how to die…”

We don’t see them as cowards. We see them as innocent people confronted with a horrible situation, bravely choosing,  “… not whether to die but how to die…”

For those that jumped on 9/11, the pain of life was looming physical pain. For many (most?) who commit suicide it’s emotionally overwhelming pain. I know it seems very different, but it really isn’t. For example, a woman being physically abused by her husband might feel very much like those in the tower – trapped, beyond the reach of help, nothing coming but pain, no hope.

So why do we tell ourselves it’s the coward’s way out?

It’s a defense mechanism. By telling ourselves suicide is for cowards we feel safer. Since we aren’t cowards, and our family and friends aren’t cowards, we must be safe from the specter of suicide. We close our eyes to something that scares us and wrap ourselves in a warm blanket of comforting bullshit.

The truth is that suicide could present itself as a real option to any of us. Don’t think that you or yours are immune to it. Would you have jumped? You’re not immune.

I’m certainly not trying to talk anyone in to suicide. I’m trying to make the point that none of us are immune, and we must all vigilantly work to develop and maintain coping mechanisms. Life will always include varying levels of pain. If you’re near your limit, you need to seek help. If you fear someone in your life is near their limit, it makes more sense to try to become part of their coping mechanism than to try to shame then into simply enduring the pain by throwing the word “coward” at them.

This “coward’s way out” nonsense is particularly irritating when it comes to the subject of assisted suicide. Imagine your mother (or grandmother) suffering from the last stages of a terminal illness. Wracked with pain, nothing but additional and increasing pain on the horizon, and no hope of living more than six months. Imagine her weary voice pleading with the doctor, “can’t you just give me something to end this suffering now?” Now imagine the doctor saying, “What are you, some type of coward?! You have to endure this horrible pain and fight this un-winnable fight… for your family.”

One of my very favorite documentaries is called “How to Die in Oregon.” I simply can’t recommend it more strongly. It always helps to stop talking about abstract ideas and talk about real people in real situations, and this movie does an outstanding job of just that. As I publish this post, this documentary is available for streaming as part of both Netflix and Amazon Prime streaming.

Again, I’m not advocating suicide. I’m advocating maturely acknowledging that we all feel pain in life, we can all be overwhelmed, and we all need to develop skills in dealing with and managing that pain. Closing our eyes and hoping it doesn’t land on us makes no sense at all.